How To Hide You’re Stoned

Admit it – you’ve been there at least once. A quick or covert joint or sneaky edible on your lunch break, coupled with an impromptu meeting or a visit from family, puts you in a spin. You smell of weed, your eyes are red, and you’re either completely silent or babbling incoherently. You need to hide you’re stoned and fast.

But what can you do? Fortunately, plenty.

Why you Might Need to Hide You’re Stoned

The list of reasons could keep us here all day; any one of a hundred situations could crop up at the worst possible time, and you have to spring into action and be sober. Maybe a neighbour comes to the door and needs your help – straight after a bong hit? Maybe family unexpectedly drops by.

It could be anything. If an emergency crops up, that’s one thing. But if you knowingly picked a lousy time to blaze up, that’s on you. The reason’s not important. Let’s assume you’re in the situation and need to get it together – or at least look like you have it together – pronto.

There are the obvious tell-tale signs that you’ve partaken in the ol’ giggle bush, and we’ll tackle them. Other aspects, particularly how you behave, are on you, but we’ve got some tips for that, too.

What To Do:

Attack the obvious signs first. Some people will be none the wiser and won’t know what to look out for, but plenty of people know what a stoned person looks like, so take steps to conceal the most obvious things first.

Many of these apply if you’ve been smoking weed, but if you’ve taken edibles, we’ll cover that too. The method is secondary here; the main thing is how to hide your high.

Attack the Aroma

Cannabis smells. It smells pretty fabulous, too, but it’s a robust, dank, and fairly obvious smell. Any experienced cannabis smoker knows that stuff is loaded with unique terpenes and pleasant bouquets of citrus fruits and spices. But it’s doubtful you can pass it off as your new cologne. Weed still smells like weed, so attack this aspect first. If you’re at home, light up some scented candles, too.

Deal with your Clothing

If you’re able to, change your clothes. They’ll likely smell of weed, and that’s a dead giveaway, so a quick costume change should be your first port of call. You’ll have to take a different route if you can’t change your clothes.

Depending on your location and the circumstances, you will have to try to mask the weed smell on your clothes. Give yourself a quick once-around with an appropriate toiletry or freshening spray, taking care not to go nuts. Overdoing it can lead to your asphyxiation, along with that of others. If you mask the smell too far, you’ll raise more suspicion. You don’t want to smell of cannabis, but you don’t want to smell like anything out of the ordinary.

Choose your masking agent wisely because the last thing you want is to have to explain why you reek of furniture polish—body sprays, deodorants, perfumes, aftershaves, Febreze – all good. If you use a roll-on deodorant, you’re in trouble.

Wash your Hands and Face

Get to the nearest sink and lather up. Use a bar of soap or whatever skin-suitable cleansing product you wish, but get scrubbing that weed stink from your person fast. Getting rid of the smell of marijuana can be as much as half the battle if you want to try and hide that you’re stoned.

As soon as someone smells weed, eyebrows will be raised, and it won’t be long until suspicious glances are shot in your direction. Wash your hands and face well, or use a lotion or sanitiser if possible. If you’re rocking facial hair, include that in your washing, too, as the marijuana odours will become trapped in beards and moustaches.

Deal with Your Breath

Don’t forget your breath will retain those tell-tale aromas for a while after you smoke. Pop a mint, brush your teeth, gargle with mouthwash – anything that will do an excellent job in masking the weed smell, and the stronger, the better. There’s no point in thoroughly cleansing your hands and face, only to breathe the sweet smell of skunk all over the next person you talk to. Just make sure whatever you use is pleasant-smelling. Don’t chew a clove of garlic. Sure, it’ll work, but you’ll be unpopular.

Combat Red-Eye

A well-prepared stoner will have eye drops handy to fight the inevitable bloodshot eyes. If you’re a well-prepared stoner, use eye drops to flush some of the redness from the area, limiting another tell-tale sign. If you’re not a well-prepared stoner and don’t have eye drops, shame on you, you amateur. Wear sunglasses, and add eye drops to your next shopping list. Get the ones with whitening properties.

If you don’t have sunglasses, repeat after me – “My hayfever/dust allergy/pet allergy is terrible today”. Make no more mention of this, lest you give the game away by drawing too much attention to it. Acknowledge it once, and move on.

Other Incriminating Factors

Once you’ve tackled the tangible, apparent signs of cannabis consumption, such as aroma and red-eye, it’s time for the hard part. You have to get yourself under control. Being stoned can cause a multitude of behavioural changes, and again, the situation will dictate how you need to manage these. Remember that the harder you try to appear normal, the less normal you appear to others. Try to retain a degree of chill.

Get Your Mouth Under Control

Depending on your tolerance level, your personality, how stoned you are and what kind of stoner you are, you may exhibit uncharacteristic behaviours. The classic stoner archetypes are usually a page behind the rest of the characters or babbling a lot.

Pro Tip: The less you say, the less trouble you can cause.

It’s not uncommon for stoned people to start chattering constantly. Whether you’re cracking odd jokes or waxing philosophical about where we came from and why we’re here, it’s a safe bet that neither of these things will help. Keep conversation to an absolute minimum, and don’t be tempted to chat to fill silences. That’s paranoia kicking in, and it’ll show. If you’re asked questions, keep answers short and sweet.

The opposite reaction must be measured, too. Don’t go completely silent because that’s no better than going off on long conversational tangents. If you work in a call centre, this may be a problem.

Get your Body under Control

Keep gestures to a minimum, unless you’re someone who typically makes a lot of gestures while speaking. Even if you are, it’s probably best to keep them under control. Minimise the wild gesticulations by keeping your hands in your pockets or clasped together. Do not look for a prop to keep your hands busy, as there’s every chance you’ll drift off into a state of stoned fascination. That pen may well be awesome, but now’s not the time.

Being high can lead to clumsiness, so limit your movements and stay away from objects if possible. Have a seat and don’t make any sudden movements. Resist the temptation to undertake challenging physical tasks to illustrate your sobriety. Now is not the time for dance moves or Parkour. Likewise, if you’re expected to take on anything with even the slightest risk, make a good excuse and opt-out.

There will be no driving, no carpentry and nothing involving putting yourself or anyone else at risk. Don’t look for a convoluted get-out clause if you need to excuse yourself from any such tasks or obligations. Keep it simple and say, “I have a thumping headache today, so I’m going to have to pass”. The sober people will understand.

Mitigate the Stoned Effect, if Possible

Once you’ve dealt with the obvious signs of being high, there are some steps you can take to steady the ship and reduce the stone. Again, circumstances may dictate that these aren’t an option at the moment, but if you can:

Take Some CBD

Studies have shown that consuming cannabidiol can quell anxiety and other effects of THC. This is because CBD binds to a different site on the CB1 receptors than THC and can reduce THC intoxication somewhat. Make sure you take a CBD-only product rather than something that also contains THC. You can get CBD chocolate, CBD gummies, oils and more. A few squares of CBD chocolate might be just the thing to reduce the effects of your high.

Drink Water

There are very few situations where hydration is not helpful. Start sipping (not chugging) water, and you’ll conquer the dreaded cottonmouth if you have it and sipping water will help you keep calm and get your breathing under control.

There are other ways to reduce the effects of your high besides these, but taking CBD, drinking water and possibly eating some food (tame the inevitable munchies) can go a long way to squaring you up.

Switch to a Lower THC Strain

If you find this is a common problem, you may want to rethink what you smoke. Switch to a low-THC strain or a strain that combines THC and CBD.

Seedsman recommends the following strains, and you can buy seeds from our website.

Peyote WiFi CBD 2:1 – an indica-sativa hybrid with 6-8% THC and 12-14% CBD. Ideal if you want the uplifting benefits of cannabis without the intoxication.

Purple Kush CBD 1:1 – a fruity, earthy indica-dominant cannabis strain where THC and CBD ratios are balanced, meaning you get pleasant relaxation without a heavy stone.

Cookies Chill CBD 2:1 – a high-yielding medical strain, this lemon/Kush taste sensation offers calming, soothing benefits to relieve anxiety without getting you baked.

Got a funny story about trying to hide being stoned? Let us know in the comments!